nobody listens to me
WARNING: Extreme venting ahead
When I first heard Katy Perrys Firework I will admit that I found the concept of feeling like a plastic bag to be quite novel. But now 9 years since the song's release I get it. Feeling insignificant, like you don't have a place to be, drifting through life as each day passes not knowing what to do.
I've felt that way for the past few years, only having moments where I felt like I knew what I was doing and where I belonged.
I am only writing up this post now because again I don't feel necessary, just another person without cause using up resources. I'm feeling insignificant and unheard and just a bit unwanted.
My parents are going through the process of buying their first house and to start with I was excited. I was excited to get a room that I could design to look exactly how I wanted. I'd get to put in everything I was never allowed to because the houses we've been in haven't been our own. I was looking forward to having my dream room. That was until I was told I had no control over how it would be decorated. that my mum was picking everything in it even though it was my room. I just felt the excitement go and I felt like I just wanted to be at uni again because at least there if I wanted to put up my posters and buy a clothes rack instead of a conventional wardrobe, I could.
I think the house is stressing me out because I want to express myself in my room but my mum wants to do everything for me as if I am still a child, like my brothers, even though I'm nearly 20. At this point in life, I feel like I should just leave if I can't be treated like an adult but I know my parents mean well as I am still their baby. But I hate being babied.
Another thing that's making me feel small and unwanted is my friends. and I know they mean well but I feel like when I'm with everyone in a group I'm the one that gets drowned out. even in our group chats, I'm never the one being summoned for an opinion and my projects don't get hyped by my friends like they hype each others stuff. This has been the way it has been in all my friendships. I've always felt like I'm third-wheeling the group and sometimes I feel like I should leave so they don't have to worry about me and my useless opinions. But if I left I'd be truly alone. And whilst I like being on my own sometimes, it gets too much, but should I really be feeling lonely when surrounded by people who say they care?
In conclusion, I'm sad because no one listens to me and that's all I really want in life. to be listened to.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. When big changes in our lives happen we can feel like no one is there to listen and support of, and often it's because they are stressing themselves. Your mum and dad are probably stressed out buying a new home. It's not easy going through all that mortgage stuff. But I can understand that you feel left out and unheard, which is completely valid. Have you tried having a chat with them about it and explaining to them that you want a bit of creative license with your room seeing as you're almost 20? Tell your mum that you are ready to do this yourself, but if you need help you'll ask for it.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the feeling of being alone in a crowd. It’s good that you have your blog to help you vent about it. Do you have one or two closer friends you could do things with in a smaller group? Also, I agree with Nyxie in the comment above. Maybe see if there is a time you can speak with your parents when there aren’t any other distractions. It might be a challenge to find the time, but if you let them know that you really need to talk to them alone, I hope they will take the time to listen.
ReplyDeleteIt's totally possible that your parents *do* see you as nearly an adult - one who will be flying the nest within the next few years. Perhaps you and you parents can reach a compromise where you pick your own soft furnishings and other small touches where you can let your personality shine through, while your parents pick the furniture, paint, wallpaper and carpets. Things that you won't be taking with you.
ReplyDeleteA big part of being an adult is learning how to negotiate and compromise.
Good luck to you, you sound like a lovely young woman.